i wish starbucks made bloody marys
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
do herpes really smell.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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