oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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