I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
