I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
