I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
