hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
