Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
