My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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