I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
