the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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