Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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