The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
