If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
