She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
