apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
