We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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