i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
