Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
