he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
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It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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