i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
