def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
