you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just took my morning after pill in the library
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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