How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
