if i can run in heels then i can drive
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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