apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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