I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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