I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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