I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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