Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
