We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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