I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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