she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I have aggressive nipples.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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