So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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