I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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