Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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