my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
