dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize