I just made out with a guy for $7.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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