i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
