Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
