Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
