I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
