Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
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I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
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I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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