hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
