Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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