So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
