why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
