Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Reggie can tackle my bush.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Drunk is a universal language darling
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