so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
