My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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