I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
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he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
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Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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