I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
