can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
