This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I would fuck him just for his dog
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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