I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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