I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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