every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
