I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize