70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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