Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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